


Sweeney Skinner

by nauticalneptune



Category: The Simpsons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-14
Updated: 2013-04-14
Packaged: 2017-12-08 13:04:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/761612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nauticalneptune/pseuds/nauticalneptune
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(yes lame name i know) -Parody of Sweeney Todd- Someone kills Skinner's mother and he and Edna try to avenge her death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sweeney Skinner

A/N: Just a silly parody. PS I couldn't get the formatting to look right so it's kind of clumped together but yeah it's just a silly parody. Enjoy if you're gonna read it! PPS it includes parodies of the songs Worst Pies in London, Epiphany, A Little Priest, and parts from The Judge's Return track :P 

“Mother, it’s silhouette night!” Seymour Skinner said with a grin as he went to fetch his mother for their Friday night festivities. “I know how much you love Friday nights!” However, when he found his mother, she was far from eager—in fact, she was lying on the ground dead. Beside her was an apple that looked rotten. Seymour gasped. “Someone has poisoned Mother!” He sobbed over her body for a good hour before standing up and saying, “I need a muffin.”  
He drove over to Ms. Krabappel’s Muffin Shop and ran in the door, startling her. “Oh, hello Seymour,” she said, looking back down at the magazine she was reading.  
“Edna! Something terrible has happened.”  
“What?” she said, not looking up.  
“Someone has killed my mother!” When she still did not look up, he said, “You’re looking awfully suspicious over there.”  
“Oh, please, Seymour!” she laughed, looking up. “The woman was old; she probably died of natural causes.”  
“Someone poisoned her,” he said through gritted teeth.  
“Oh gosh, who would want to do that?”  
“Who hates me more than anyone?”  
“Your mother. Ha!” Edna laughed.  
“Mother didn’t hate me, and why would she poison herself? No . . . I think the students are the culprits. Maybe more specifically Bart Simpson. I think there is going to be some detention in order until someone starts explaining!”  
“Oh yeah, that’ll teach them,” Edna said, looking back at her magazine.  
“Yes, thanks for your help,” Seymour said, turning around to leave.  
“Wait!” Edna said, holding up a muffin.  
“What’s your rush? What’s your hurry?  
I know your mother’s dead, but there’s nothing you can do  
Why don’t you sit? Sit you down, sit!  
I mean, I haven’t had a customer for weeks  
Did you come here for a muffin, sir?  
Do forgive me if my head’s a little foggy  
What was that? [looks over and sees mouse scurrying across the floor]  
but with all the booze I drink, I’m kind of groggy!  
From the way that men don’t commit!  
No you don’t! [she slammed a wine bottle on a bug]  
Heaven knows I try, sir!  
But no one comes in even from time to time!  
Right you are sir, would you like a spot of wine? [she throws the broken bottle out and gets a fresh]  
Mind you, I can hardly blame them!  
These are probably the worst muffins in Springfield!  
I know why nobody cares to take them!  
I should know! I make them, but good? No!  
The worst muffins in Springfield!  
Even that’s polite—the worst muffins in Springfield!  
If you doubt it, take a bite!  
Is that just disgusting? But if you’d just give me a raise  
I wouldn’t have to be here in the first place  
The worst muffins in Springfield!”  
“Um, okay, enough of that . . .” Skinner pushed the muffin away with wide eyes. “I will take that raise into consideration . . .” He gave her five dollars out of sympathy and exited the shop.  
When Seymour left the shop, Edna went back to her magazine, muttering, “You better be giving me more than a raise, Mr. Engaged to be Engaged,” she sighed. “It’s too bad about his poor mother, but at least she won’t be in the way anymore. Maybe he’ll step it up and be a man now.”

That night, Seymour couldn’t sleep. He tossed and turned in nightmares about the students of the elementary school killing his mother. “Bart Simpson . . . Murderer . . . Revenge . . .”  
He shot up in bed the next morning with a wild look in his eyes. “Springfield Elementary, I will have my revenge!”  
He walked out of his office between classes, looking around fiercely at the students, scaring them to hurry to their next class.  
“Alright! You sir!” he pointed to a random student, who looked confused “How ‘bout detention? Come and visit your good friend Skinner! You sir! Too sir! Nobody’s in my office, come on! Skinner’s waiting; Don’t you dare be tardy! You sir, anybody! Children, don’t be shy! And my mother lies in ashes! And I’ll never see my sweet mother again! Someone killed her, I will find you out! I’ll get my revenge!”  
The few students that had not scurried away in fright, Skinner pointed to them and said, “Detention!”  
“Very effective, Seymour,” Edna smirked, suddenly appearing by his side.  
“Get to class yourself before I give you detention,” he told her through gritted teeth.  
“What?” Edna laughed.  
“You’re a suspect, too. Everyone is.” He stalked away to his office angrily.  
Edna looked around nervously and darted to her classroom.

After weeks of giving random students detention, and no luck, Seymour was getting irritated. Why wouldn’t anyone confess?  
“Maybe they aren’t confessing because they honestly did not do it,” Edna suggested, perched on the edge of Seymour’s desk.  
“Someone killed my mother, damn it, and I want to know who it was!” Skinner slammed his fist on his desk.  
“Well, you could always just kill them all,” Edna joked. “That way, you would definitely have to get the killer, right?”  
“Hm . . .”  
“You’re not seriously thinking of that, are you?” Edna had only been joking.  
“It’s an excellent idea. I love your ideas, Edna.” He hopped over his desk and kissed her suddenly, making her moan with a grin.  
“Oh, Seymour,” she said after he pulled away. “If you like my ideas so much, I have another one . . .” she said slowly. “It will benefit both of us. You see, you want to get revenge and kill them all, and my muffin shop needs business. Perhaps if my muffins had something more inside them, they would sell. If you get what I mean . . .” she winked and looked out the window at the children playing at recess.  
“I don’t understand,” Seymour frowned. Edna handed him a muffin.“What is that?” She turned him to face the window with her. Outside, they could see Bart running around with his slingshot, laughing.  
“It’s Bart fresh off the cart!”  
“Is it really good?”  
“Better than the ones at the kwik-e-mart! Though he’s terrible at taking his tests, he is the best!”  
“He sure can run!”  
“We’ll put him on a bun!”  
“Haven’t you got Wiggum or something more plump?  
“No you see the trouble with Wiggum is he is not at all very smart! Try some Bart!”  
“Sherri’s rather nice.”  
“Better think twice, otherwise you’ll be in trouble because with twins you pay double the price!”  
“Anything that’s sweet?”  
“If you’re looking at Lovejoy, you’re in for it, oh boy, she’s deceit! She’s not so sweet, though her father will deny the word on the street!”  
“Is that Mary served with dairy?”  
“Oh Seymour, don’t be funny, that has to be Kearney!”  
“Looks unwell, more like Wendell!”  
“No, it has to be Kearney, he cheats!”  
“This is your greatest idea yet, my dear”  
“Gets rid of students, does a lot of teachers favors!”  
“I’ll get revenge and the school will be clear”  
“Look at all those kids; there should be plenty of flavors!”  
“I think the faculty will be glad, you know”  
“All those snot nose children just have to go!”  
“What is that?” Seymour peered out at the school bullies punching some kid.  
“It’s Muntz! Though it may have a punch! And have some Jimbo to go with it, I bet it will just hit the spot. Here’s another treat—Here’s some Lisa on the side, her good grades will give you pride. How sweet!”  
“Put it on a leash. It thinks so much, it may decide to leave!”  
“Try some Martin! He’s so smart and—“  
“No, we need to spare the smart guys so the test scores will stay high!”  
“Then try Todd; he is quite odd!”  
“Ah, but it would be plain because he’s sin free! I’ll come again when you have Bart on the menu.”  
Edna opened the window, grabbing Bart by the neck. “Here you go, Seymour.”

Their tactic for murdering the students was getting them drunk until they passed out so they could easily slit their throats. Nobody would hear or suspect a thing! However, the town was starting to get concerned about all the disappearing children. Seymour decided he would have to leave town. The previous night, he had learned some interesting news from his dead mother. Agnes had risen from the dead to tell him how stupid he was for not realizing who had killed her.  
Seymour hurried to Edna’s muffin shop and said, “The town is starting to catch on. I need to get out of here. I’m leaving town.”  
Edna’s eyes widened. “Well, I’m an accomplice. I need to go with you!” She rushed over to his side and hugged him.  
Seymour pushed her away gently and said, “You won’t need to come with me.”  
“What? Why? I’ll go to jail!”  
“No, you definitely won’t be going to jail.” Suddenly Edna realized there was a gun to her head and she started freaking out. “I should’ve known it was you all along. You wanted my mother out of the picture so badly . . . all for your own selfish reasons. You lied to me.”  
“No, no not lied at all. No I never lied  
I agreed the students hated you  
I never said they caused her to die  
Yes, I killed her but it was only for the best  
The old bat probably didn’t have much time left  
I wanted to be the only woman in your life instead  
So it was better that your mother was dead!  
Yes I lied ‘cause I love you! I’d be twice the woman she was  
I love you, could that thing have cared for you like me?”  
“Ms Krabappel, you are one hell of a woman  
sometimes completely batty but I guess  
I’ll just blame that on all your drinking  
Let’s have a drink right now  
and forget all about the past!”  
“Do you mean it? Everything I did I swear  
I thought was only for the best. Believe me!  
Can we, still be married?”  
“Now, come here, my love, not a thing to fear,  
my love…What’s dead is dead.”  
“The history of the world my pet”  
“Oh, Seymour, Oh Semyour, Leave it to me”  
“Is just to drink and try to forget!”  
“My ring finger is looking a little bare  
If you could just slip something on right there!”  
“Come on, my love, let’s share this wine  
and we’ll forget about all the bad times!”  
Seymour comes towards her, holding the wine bottle with a crazy look in his eyes, scaring her a bit. She tries to grab the bottle, but instead he clunked her over the head with it and then shot her for good measure.  
“There was a principal and his mother  
and she was . . .” He could not think of a word for her. The ghost of Agnes appeared and said, “Beautiful! I was beautiful!”  
Seymour shrugged. “And she was beautiful . . .A foolish principal and his mother. She was his reason and his life. And she was beautiful and she was . . .”  
“Oh, good God, Seymour! You can’t sing,” Agnes rolled her eyes and sang her own version.  
“There was a principal and his mother  
And she was beautiful  
But there was this slut the principal loved  
but his love could never be enough  
And so she killed his mother  
To get her out of the way  
Because Seymour was too naïve . . .”  
“Mother!” Seymour said.  
“Ah, shut up. You did well, Seymour. For once, I’m proud of you. You avenged me. Good boy. I’ll make you some cookies when we meet again.”  
Suddenly, Seymour himself was shot by Snake Jailbird, who was coming to rob the muffin shop.  
“Well, I guess I better get started on those cookies,” Agnes sighed, looking down at her dead son.  
“Ew, these muffins are gross. What are in these things?!” Snake said. “Ugh. Bye!” He ran off.


End file.
